Thursday, February 24, 2011

Grief

I am told that people grieve individually...no one grieves in quite the same way as the next person.  I am finding this to be true.  My one sister seems to cry all the time, can't stop.  I, on the other hand, haven't really cried since the funeral.  Does this concern me?  Yes, it does, to a certain extent.

Do I feel guilty because I haven't cried?  No.  I know I loved my father tremendously.  I know we had a beautiful relationship and I have no regrets where he is concerned.  What I have a 'problem' with is that I don't seem to be feeling anything at all.  I see my mother's emotions...I see her cry, and I am not affected at all.  I'm not even sure I'm missing him right now.

Up to the point when Daddy died, I always imagined I would be a total mess at his death, and afterwards...like my sister.  These emotions, or lack thereof, confuse me - but having never dealt with a death so close, I don't know what to expect.  Some say that perhaps my distance the last two years (the move to Florida) plays a part - yes, could be.  Some say that perhaps my relationship was so good with him, that I'm not feeling the grief so much; or because we had those two weeks to say goodbye that I did my grieving then.  Who the hell knows? 

All I can say is that something is going on.  My mind is not functioning as it normally does.  And there is a sadness.  Will it hit me down the road?  Am I still in a kind of denial stage?  Grief is a strange thing.  I find myself wanting to feel more...wanting to miss him so much I cry, or just ache...and it's not happening.  Yet deep in the night, I wake myself up from my dreams...dreams in which I am sobbing, a deep, deep sorrow...and I can feel the real tears start...that's when I wake myself up.  And that leads me to believe that I am not dealing with this all that well; that somewhere deep inside, my grief is quietly waiting and someday, over some small thing, the dam will break.

I do miss my father very much.  I miss his voice, his chuckle...Grief, I find, is not my friend.