Ramblings of an Old, Romantic Soul

And love.  This time of year the weather is beautiful in Florida. It is not cold nor hot, just gorgeous. Even so, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!  Thanksgiving was a day filled with family and food, and though Mom did not join us, she enjoyed her day of peace and solitude. It was a win win for all concerned.   Terry has been off work for the past four days - another blessing.  We've had time to decorate the house together, do yard work, put up our outdoor manger scene, and just have quality time.  Mom has been delightful.  She has joined us on two excusrions, and is looking forward to evening drives to see the array of Christmas lights.  She loves the house, and the tree.  She did not feel up to helping with the tree decorations, but she loved the Christmas music, loved watching Terry and I work together, and gave her advice on where ornaments should be hung.  Come evening, the house is comforting, warm, and cozy - like a hug - a giant Tom Swartz hug - with the tre

Expectations never live up to the hype in my mind, and usually end in disappointment.  I know this. Yesterday started with high hopes and ended in tears. On my part. But first, a little history that may explain why my anticipation was so great. Years and years ago - perhaps 50ish - Mom received a beautiful manger scene for her birthday/Christmas presents.  Dad gave her the creche, and my siblings and I gave her the figurines. It has been one of Mom's prized possessions.  It has been displayed every Christmas.  It has been the centerpiece of our family's Christmas celebrations.  We would gather round the manger and sing Christmas carols, then each grandchild would walk up to the manger and place the figurine (of their choice ) into the manger. The youngest grandchild would lay baby Jesus in the crib and we would sing happy birthday to Jesus.  Beautiful memories that will forever live in my heart.  Back to yesterday.  My plan - and this was my first mistake - MY PLAN - not Mom

 This little peanut is Audriana, my five month old great-niece.   After I offered my services to my niece, I panicked ! What was I thinking? It has been a long time since I've cared for an infant.  Would I be up for the task, or would she be too much to handle?  Would I even remember how to change a diaper, burp her, etc., etc., etc. I stressed the fact that this would be a one time thing to start, that I could not promise more.  Well, no worries. A piece of cake. 🍼👶 Two days down, and looking forward to more! Audri has brought joy and excitiement to our life. On the morning of the second day, Mom actually woke up saying "are we excited for our little gift today?"  She remembered! Does she remember how old she is? No. Does she remember who the Mama is? No. But she sure loves feeding her, holding her, and playing with her. All the years of caring for children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren has flooded back and renewed her spirit. Mom is a natural. Mom is in heaven. 

Dementia does strange things to the mind. This may sound like an obvious statement, and I suppose it is, but to see firsthand what happens to the mind is both heartbreaking and astonishing - from the mood changes, to the forgetfulness, to the obsessions/fixations. As in the photo above, a cloud descends upon the mind which shrouds all thoughts and memories.  Early on it was dental floss. Then it was picking her fingers. Now it is kleenex and constantly wiping her mouth and nose.  Each day brings a new fixation.  Who knows what happens during the night, but  I am beginning to realize that the first thing Mom asks about in the morning is usually the question of the day.  Last week she was asking about her move to Florida.  How did it happen, why wasn't she asked, why couldn't she stay where she was, etc. Her finances are also a very big concern.  Every other day she asks if she is contributing to the household, what money she has, and how much she trusts my big sister. Oddly, she

  The support of family and friends is paramount on this journey with Mom.  I would be lost without the love of my sisters, who are always there to listen, encourage, visit. I would be wandering the misty flats without my dear friends who check on me daily, offering shoulders to cry on.   But most importanly, without the support of my beloved, this journey would not be happening. He is a constant source of  unconditional love and trust. He had no doubts (contrary to me) about Mom moving to Florida. He simply said 'it's what families do'. Mom adores him, and he adores her.  When he comes home from work, her mood changes - it makes her happy to have 'the man of the house' home. She feels safe.  He reminds her often how loved she is and how happy he is to have her with us.  He reminds her this is her home now, she is a part of our little family. My husband has a quiet strength about him. He is very much like my Dad. He has the strength to carry me when I am weary.  He

  The day is grey and rainy, not conducive to an upbeat and positive attitude.  I know it's going to be a long day when Mom wakes up not sure where she is and asking if I have been here all night.  Perhaps it is the inclement weather that is affecting her too, but she is feeling very lonely and questioning her move to Florida, and everything else.  Sometimes, the repitition is easy to manage. Sometimes it is not. Today, not so much.  We are rehashing over and over and over - the strokes, the fractured hip, HER decision to make the move. My heart and mind understand that she does not remember, not to take things personally, but dammit, sometimes it is difficult.  Several times in recent months she has commented that I lie.  I can tell by her looks that she is not believing what I tell her and the 'bullshit!' comment is also a very good indication.  Did she sign anything? No. Was she aware of her decision? Yes. What were her options? Move here or have a nurse come in to help

First, let me say that staying up to 1:00am awaiting election results is not a good thing. It makes me tired, cranky, and out of sorts.  And not a very productive specimen of humanity. More like a couch potato, with a cat stretched across my chest which makes for very interesting typing.  Okay.  On to the orders.  Mom has been very tired lately.  She sleeps quite a bit. Each day, I battle with with waking her or letting her sleep.  Do I wake her up and encourage her to dress?  Do I strongly (never demand) encourage her get outside to fresh air - good medicine for her body, mind, and soul? Then I think 'Kristina, she is 90 years old!  If she wants to sleep, let her sleep!' But is that wise?  My plan for the day was to peruse my 'dementia' books.  I have two that are quite good. 'Creating Moments of Joy Along the Alzheimer's Journey' by Jolene Brackey and 'The 36-Hour Day' by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins.  Both are good books for researching and underst