Sometimes

 

The day is grey and rainy, not conducive to an upbeat and positive attitude.  I know it's going to be a long day when Mom wakes up not sure where she is and asking if I have been here all night.  Perhaps it is the inclement weather that is affecting her too, but she is feeling very lonely and questioning her move to Florida, and everything else.  Sometimes, the repitition is easy to manage. Sometimes it is not. Today, not so much. 

We are rehashing over and over and over - the strokes, the fractured hip, HER decision to make the move. My heart and mind understand that she does not remember, not to take things personally, but dammit, sometimes it is difficult.  Several times in recent months she has commented that I lie.  I can tell by her looks that she is not believing what I tell her and the 'bullshit!' comment is also a very good indication.  Did she sign anything? No. Was she aware of her decision? Yes. What were her options? Move here or have a nurse come in to help her. 

I get being lonely. She left her friends and home.  My heart goes out to her. Hell, I am lonely most of the time and today I am feeling extremely so, but I cannot express those emotions to her. My innards want to cry and tell her to shut up, that I am not a liar.  But I cannot. Sad thing is, later today she most likely won't even remember this discussion.  

This blog is my saving grace.  Here is where I can express exactly what my thoughts are - and sometimes it won't be pretty.  Sometimes it will reveal an ugly person, not the sweetheart people think I am. But I am choosing to share this journey. It is not always blue skies and butterflies. Sometimes it is grey skies and worms.  Sometimes I just need to vent with no consolation, no pats on the shoulder. The reality is this will get much harder. Sometimes, it is a tough pill to swallow that Mom is slipping away.