Ramblings of an Old, Romantic Soul

Merry Christmas!  The poem below was written in 2012.  My dear friend graciously sent it back tome yesterday.  It is somewhat whimsical, using different Christmas carols, but the true Christmas spirit shines through. Between visitors, Mom, and prepping for the holiday, my writing has been sparse. My heart is still full of joy and happiness as we prepare for the coming of our Lord. Gifts have been bought, cards have been sent, and today Mom and I will wrap the gifts and place them under the tree.  May each of you hold the magic of Christmas in your heart.  May the season be filled with wonder, love, and grace.  And may 2021 bring only much joy and many blessings to all! 

And love.  This time of year the weather is beautiful in Florida. It is not cold nor hot, just gorgeous. Even so, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!  Thanksgiving was a day filled with family and food, and though Mom did not join us, she enjoyed her day of peace and solitude. It was a win win for all concerned.   Terry has been off work for the past four days - another blessing.  We've had time to decorate the house together, do yard work, put up our outdoor manger scene, and just have quality time.  Mom has been delightful.  She has joined us on two excusrions, and is looking forward to evening drives to see the array of Christmas lights.  She loves the house, and the tree.  She did not feel up to helping with the tree decorations, but she loved the Christmas music, loved watching Terry and I work together, and gave her advice on where ornaments should be hung.  Come evening, the house is comforting, warm, and cozy - like a hug - a giant Tom Swartz hug - with the tre

Expectations never live up to the hype in my mind, and usually end in disappointment.  I know this. Yesterday started with high hopes and ended in tears. On my part. But first, a little history that may explain why my anticipation was so great. Years and years ago - perhaps 50ish - Mom received a beautiful manger scene for her birthday/Christmas presents.  Dad gave her the creche, and my siblings and I gave her the figurines. It has been one of Mom's prized possessions.  It has been displayed every Christmas.  It has been the centerpiece of our family's Christmas celebrations.  We would gather round the manger and sing Christmas carols, then each grandchild would walk up to the manger and place the figurine (of their choice ) into the manger. The youngest grandchild would lay baby Jesus in the crib and we would sing happy birthday to Jesus.  Beautiful memories that will forever live in my heart.  Back to yesterday.  My plan - and this was my first mistake - MY PLAN - not Mom

 This little peanut is Audriana, my five month old great-niece.   After I offered my services to my niece, I panicked ! What was I thinking? It has been a long time since I've cared for an infant.  Would I be up for the task, or would she be too much to handle?  Would I even remember how to change a diaper, burp her, etc., etc., etc. I stressed the fact that this would be a one time thing to start, that I could not promise more.  Well, no worries. A piece of cake. 🍼👶 Two days down, and looking forward to more! Audri has brought joy and excitiement to our life. On the morning of the second day, Mom actually woke up saying "are we excited for our little gift today?"  She remembered! Does she remember how old she is? No. Does she remember who the Mama is? No. But she sure loves feeding her, holding her, and playing with her. All the years of caring for children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren has flooded back and renewed her spirit. Mom is a natural. Mom is in heaven. 

Dementia does strange things to the mind. This may sound like an obvious statement, and I suppose it is, but to see firsthand what happens to the mind is both heartbreaking and astonishing - from the mood changes, to the forgetfulness, to the obsessions/fixations. As in the photo above, a cloud descends upon the mind which shrouds all thoughts and memories.  Early on it was dental floss. Then it was picking her fingers. Now it is kleenex and constantly wiping her mouth and nose.  Each day brings a new fixation.  Who knows what happens during the night, but  I am beginning to realize that the first thing Mom asks about in the morning is usually the question of the day.  Last week she was asking about her move to Florida.  How did it happen, why wasn't she asked, why couldn't she stay where she was, etc. Her finances are also a very big concern.  Every other day she asks if she is contributing to the household, what money she has, and how much she trusts my big sister. Oddly, she

  The support of family and friends is paramount on this journey with Mom.  I would be lost without the love of my sisters, who are always there to listen, encourage, visit. I would be wandering the misty flats without my dear friends who check on me daily, offering shoulders to cry on.   But most importanly, without the support of my beloved, this journey would not be happening. He is a constant source of  unconditional love and trust. He had no doubts (contrary to me) about Mom moving to Florida. He simply said 'it's what families do'. Mom adores him, and he adores her.  When he comes home from work, her mood changes - it makes her happy to have 'the man of the house' home. She feels safe.  He reminds her often how loved she is and how happy he is to have her with us.  He reminds her this is her home now, she is a part of our little family. My husband has a quiet strength about him. He is very much like my Dad. He has the strength to carry me when I am weary.  He

  The day is grey and rainy, not conducive to an upbeat and positive attitude.  I know it's going to be a long day when Mom wakes up not sure where she is and asking if I have been here all night.  Perhaps it is the inclement weather that is affecting her too, but she is feeling very lonely and questioning her move to Florida, and everything else.  Sometimes, the repitition is easy to manage. Sometimes it is not. Today, not so much.  We are rehashing over and over and over - the strokes, the fractured hip, HER decision to make the move. My heart and mind understand that she does not remember, not to take things personally, but dammit, sometimes it is difficult.  Several times in recent months she has commented that I lie.  I can tell by her looks that she is not believing what I tell her and the 'bullshit!' comment is also a very good indication.  Did she sign anything? No. Was she aware of her decision? Yes. What were her options? Move here or have a nurse come in to help

First, let me say that staying up to 1:00am awaiting election results is not a good thing. It makes me tired, cranky, and out of sorts.  And not a very productive specimen of humanity. More like a couch potato, with a cat stretched across my chest which makes for very interesting typing.  Okay.  On to the orders.  Mom has been very tired lately.  She sleeps quite a bit. Each day, I battle with with waking her or letting her sleep.  Do I wake her up and encourage her to dress?  Do I strongly (never demand) encourage her get outside to fresh air - good medicine for her body, mind, and soul? Then I think 'Kristina, she is 90 years old!  If she wants to sleep, let her sleep!' But is that wise?  My plan for the day was to peruse my 'dementia' books.  I have two that are quite good. 'Creating Moments of Joy Along the Alzheimer's Journey' by Jolene Brackey and 'The 36-Hour Day' by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins.  Both are good books for researching and underst

  My goddaughter gave me this mug on my 60th birthday. Every morning it reminds me that no matter how I feel, I am these very things - strong and beautiful. Thank you, Petunia. This is dedicated to all the women in my life. To my Mom, Carmella, who is still going at 90 years. Her body and mind are beginning to fail, but what a life she has lived! To my strong, beautiful sisters, Mary Jo, Kate, Suzie, Karen, Joycie - every one of them have gone through trials and tribulations, yet they remain strong and beautiful. They have been put through the fire and have come out scarred, but whole. Resilient.  To my decesased grandmothers, Josephine and Dorothy, who I never knew.  Both strong and beautiful in so many ways. Both had to deal with struggles and heartache and both died far too young.  To my aunts, nieces, cousins, friends. So many women who wake up every morning and go about their business. Taking care of families, jobs, life - the backbone and support for husbands/children/parents/fri

  To quote Michael Buble - 'It's a new day, it's a new dawn, and I'm feeling good." What a difference a night makes. That, and a good venting via the written word.  Journaling/blogging is therapeutic for me.  Writng is a good way to get the anger, frustration, hurt, whatever it is I am feeling - out of my system. Then the light becomes brighter.  The tears dry up. And a smile returns. There is a song we sang in church 'But then comes the morning, yesterday's sorrows behind. Wake it's the day of your longing; life returns, mercy comes, it's morning."  So true. So true. I knew this journey would be a roller coaster of emotions. Some days are good, some not so much. Some days I can handle whatever comes our way, other days not so much.  And that's okay.  Mom doesn't see the discombobulated me; I keep it from her. Hence the blog. Again, great release. Really great. (sound like anyone we know?!)  Mr. Henley, if you please  Today Mom is doing

  Today is a bad day.  Have you ever felt a loss for something you never had?  A paralyzing sadness has washed over me. There are things I should be doing, and yet all I can do is sit. Perhaps writing will help alleviate the melancholy.  We have plans to go away for a week. My youngest sister, Karen, will be here to care for Mom.  Mom has had a rough couple of days due to an infection/medication. Last night she was up several times, so today is she a bit confused and sleepy.  As much as I need this getaway, I am concerned that caring for Mom alone may be a bit overwhelming for my sister.  Though I do most of her personal care, Terry is here in the evening to cook dinner, clean up, and provide emotional support.  Mom has been asking if I think Karen can handle everything. Mom is concerned about her 'baby' doing some of the things I do.  Karen has spoken with Mom, I have spoken with Mom to console her and let her know everything will be okay. Not sure Mom believes us.  Mom has sa

We have decided to create a memory book of Mom’s life. She is 90 years old now and retention of current events is dwindling, however, she remembers her past quite well.  We asked family to submit questions. I then video Mom's responses. One of the questions this morning was 'what is your favorite memory of your dad, our grandfather'.  My grandfather was tragically killed in a coal mining accident when Mom was a senior in high school - 1947, 73 years ago.  Her response was so poignant - so much emotion, as if he had passed away yesterday. I had to stop recording for her to regain composure. Again, it made me realize that she may not remember her pills, or if she had breakfast, but she certainly remembers what happened 73 years ago.  Today's events are distant, but yesteryear's happenings are very real. How blessed am I to be the one recording such precious and cherished memories. 

  Forget Donald Trump and Joe Biden. That debate doesn't hold a candle to the debates in our home -  Terry vs Kristina, with Carmella as moderator 😄 Makes for very lively 'discussions'. On one side is Terry, my dearest love.  He does NOT like Trump, thinks he is evil and dumb. I tell him over and over this is not the case.  Evil is a very strong word, and like him or not, Donald Trump is not dumb.  According to Terry, the President has done nothing for the country - at all. Well, correction, he has caused divisivness, hatred, and anything else bad happening in the world.  'Tis very frustrating.  On the other side is me.  I do NOT like Biden. I think he is dumb and useless. And Terry cannot argue those points.  He will vote for a simpleton (harsh, I know) just to NOT vote for Trump.  I am not enamoured with our President - far from it.  He irritates the hell out of me at times, and I think he often has diaharea of the mouth. He speaks/tweets without filter and often tim

  Let me say this: I know Mom appreciates all I do for her.  I know my husband appreciates all I do for him and our household.  BUT...the struggle is real to maintain positivity and not have my own pity party.  All day Mom asks about Terry. Did he sleep well, did he get off to work okay? How long will he work and when will he retire?  He works so hard, we should get him a treat.  Terry comes home and 'Terry, you deserve to rest. We haven't done a thing all day'.  Say what???  Yes, the struggle is real not to defend, cry, or just give up.    I begin to wonder what DO I do all day? Perhaps Mom is correct and we do nothing.  How can I be so tired when I just sit all day and listen to her stories or questions. The thing is, it is mentally exhausting. Not to mention the walks, the showers, the breakfasts, lunches, etc. And here I go, defending myself. So I will stop now. I know what I do, and Terry knows what I do. That's all that really matters. The struggle is real to not

  . ..comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. We all know the song, do we not?  "Let It Be' by the Beatles.  And now you'll be singing it all day. You're welcome 😅   Part of our daily routine is to go for a walk. Mom has an electric scooter, which allows her to go further and faster, and a wheelchair.  More often than not we take the wheelchair to give Mom the option of walking or riding.  Our walk takes us through the woods, around ponds, and we get to see much of God's beauty and nature.  As we go along, I play music and Mom sings along, or waves her hands in the air like a conductor - we often wonder what people must think as they pass by.  But we don't care. Mom is enjoying herself and having fun.   My last blog mentioned how I sometimes feel guilty about the little deceptions that occur to maintain my sanity.  Two words I now choose NOT to use on our walks - glorious and mother nature.  Why?  When 'glorious' is menitoned, I get 'what is that so

  And it has nothing to do with lions, tigers, and bears. Mom is not Dorothy, and we are definitely not over the rainbow in Oz, or in Kansas for that matter. 😅 Oh My! is Mom's new catch phrase.  When she sees her morning pills, 'oh my! these are all mine?' Every. Single. Morning. And same for her evening pills, 'oh my! all these?' When she gets her breakfast, lunch, and dinner - no matter how small the serving size, 'oh my! what a feast!'. Every night she has ice cream for a snack. The same portion, the same vanilla ice cream. 'Oh my!  All this?! What a treat!'.  God bless her. 💖  We just smile and answer as if it's the first time we've heard the question.  We are aware how fortunate we are. Mom could react much differently. She could refuse to take her meds, she could refuse to eat, and she could complain that she gets the same old, boring, vanilla ice cream every night (sorry, my love!). But it's all new to her. Every time we go to th

  Life is full of changes and surprises. Some are good and expected, others shock the hell out of us and rock our world.  December 2019 changed my world.  Let me backtrack a bit to give some history.  In 2008, my husband and I made the move from Maryland to Florida, leaving most of our family behind, including my parents.  Dad's health was not great, but we knew I could travel back and forth when needed.  I did so until his death in January 2011.  Mom's health was pretty good. And living in Florida, there wasn't much I could do except email every morning and call every night. In 2019, I noticed in our evening phone calls she was sometimes forgetful or sounded disoriented so I began to make regular visits.  Terry and I invited Mom to move to Florida and live with us. She accepted. September 2019, Mom suffered two mild strokes followed by a fall in October (fractured hip). The time in hospital and rehab took a toll, both physically and mentally, and Mom realized she was afrai