Thursday, February 24, 2011

Grief

I am told that people grieve individually...no one grieves in quite the same way as the next person.  I am finding this to be true.  My one sister seems to cry all the time, can't stop.  I, on the other hand, haven't really cried since the funeral.  Does this concern me?  Yes, it does, to a certain extent.

Do I feel guilty because I haven't cried?  No.  I know I loved my father tremendously.  I know we had a beautiful relationship and I have no regrets where he is concerned.  What I have a 'problem' with is that I don't seem to be feeling anything at all.  I see my mother's emotions...I see her cry, and I am not affected at all.  I'm not even sure I'm missing him right now.

Up to the point when Daddy died, I always imagined I would be a total mess at his death, and afterwards...like my sister.  These emotions, or lack thereof, confuse me - but having never dealt with a death so close, I don't know what to expect.  Some say that perhaps my distance the last two years (the move to Florida) plays a part - yes, could be.  Some say that perhaps my relationship was so good with him, that I'm not feeling the grief so much; or because we had those two weeks to say goodbye that I did my grieving then.  Who the hell knows? 

All I can say is that something is going on.  My mind is not functioning as it normally does.  And there is a sadness.  Will it hit me down the road?  Am I still in a kind of denial stage?  Grief is a strange thing.  I find myself wanting to feel more...wanting to miss him so much I cry, or just ache...and it's not happening.  Yet deep in the night, I wake myself up from my dreams...dreams in which I am sobbing, a deep, deep sorrow...and I can feel the real tears start...that's when I wake myself up.  And that leads me to believe that I am not dealing with this all that well; that somewhere deep inside, my grief is quietly waiting and someday, over some small thing, the dam will break.

I do miss my father very much.  I miss his voice, his chuckle...Grief, I find, is not my friend.

7 comments:

  1. Hiya... In my opinion- you are dealing with it fine.

    Like a tree has to put down roots for a ong time before it puts out buds... you have to get used to a lot of things before you can feel all the feelings there are to feel in grief.

    That has been my experience anyways. For me it happens in stages.
    It seems a little unexpected to me, and catches me off guard a lot, but I think it's just how I was made, how my emotional self works.
    Thinkof it as unfolding over time, and don't pin yourself down with expectations....

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  2. I am sorry for your loss....

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  3. Thank you, Anonymous...both of you. I appreciate you reading my blog, and thank you for your kind words/thoughts...I like the 'think of is a unfolding over time'...good advice.

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  4. My heart goes out to you. I'm coming to the year anniversary of my own Father's death. You are in the early stages, it took me a few weeks after the funeral to experience the emotions coming up like a kaleidoscope. After all the necessities were taken care of, the family back in their places it hit me,and remember as you said the way grief works is a very individual thing. Grief comes in waves, subsides then rolls back in. It is not something to be afraid of, give yourself time and be compassionate to yourself, no one needs to judge your emotions, especially yourself. It is one of the hardest things in life to go through but allowing yourself to face the grief and walking through its wilderness it changes you in a way, and there is beauty to it when the healing occurs. Be gentle on yourself and talk to others that listen, friends can be the biggest support. What's going on with you is okay, flow with it

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  5. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss, as well...fathers are special people, are they not? I appreciate your comments and advice...and I'll do what you suggest - just flow with it.

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  6. No worries my dear, and thank you it is something everyone will go through at some point. I've been a hospice nurse and losing my Father was one of the hardest things I've gone through it being personal was totally different, unfortunately that was just the first of three deaths in my family this year. I'm a stronger person now I believe because of it. A heart can break but not fearing the emotions and experiencing them heals. Talking about it with those I care about was the biggest help, don't isolate yourself is the biggest thing I can say, funny that loneliness is a part of grief. We are never truly alone and just flowing through the waves and promise you'll find your place again. May you find some peace some,

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  7. Thank you so much...Our hospice nurse was wonderful...takes a special person to be able to do that kind of work. Your words are so comforting.

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