Monday, March 14, 2011
It happened today over bacon, of all things.
The day started out normally. Went for an eye appointment, then we decided to have breakfast out. I ordered my usual creamed chip beef, my husband ordered his usual pancakes, eggs, and crispy bacon. The bacon, of course, was for me. We were laughing, chatting, enjoying the time together.
Our meals came out, and I ate one piece of delicious crispy bacon. As I moved on to the next, I thought of Dad. I thought of how much he loved bacon; and how one of his last meals was bacon. My husband attempted to cook him bacon, but even dying, Dad knew his bacon, knew good bacon from bad bacon. Dad's critique of my husband's bacon was 'mediocre, not quite as good as Mom's'. All of this came flooding back in an instant, and the tears started; I couldn't drink my coffee, I couldn't talk. The lump in my throat felt like my chipped beef had just stalled and wouldn't go any further. Then I started thinking of his last days - did he know how much he was loved? What was he thinking during those last days, when he couldn't talk, just slept? Did he know how much I loved him, how much we all loved him, or did he simply think we wanted him out of the way? What were his thoughts?
I remember one day sitting with him. I started crying, and he called me to him, he hugged me. He said 'Poopsie, you're not okay with this are you?' I tried to tell him I was, but I was going to miss him so much. He told me that he understood, that he knew I had to cry my tears; then he caressed me and told me he would always be my side.
All these thoughts came in an instant, as if a dam had broken...and all over a slice of bacon.