My emotions are high, and they are mixed. Anger, hurt, dismay, sadness - a deep, deep sadness. And hurt.
I didn't think I was much bothered by what transpired yesterday, but when I awoke this morning my heart was heavy with such sadness. This is gonna be a jumble of thoughts because I have so many coursing through my brain right now.
First and foremost, hurt and betrayal of a nephew. To be called such a vile name in such a vulgar way...words coming from someone I have only loved throughout life. The sadness is deep, and try as I might to blow it off as rantings of a sad, angry person, it isn't easy. I remember the sweet boy from long ago, and for so long I have tried to defend his actions/his anger; I have tried to believe there is still that sweet boy buried deep inside...and now? I don't know, and what's worse, I'm not sure I even care anymore. Horrible thoughts for an aunt, I know, but words wound deep and leave lasting scars.
And then I wonder is that how I am seen? Do others see me as such? Do my other nieces and nephews see me as someone who just meddles in their life; as someone who only has negative things to say? But isn't the role of an Aunt to guide and help? What if his words are true? How do I know and how do I change? I don't consider myself to be negative...With this particular nephew, it's rare that I have anything to say about his life. I am confused. To disagree with his thoughts about religion, his lack of respect, is that negative? Am I not allowed to disagree with his choice of words; he has freedom to believe what he chooses, do I not have that same freedom in return? And because I speak of my beliefs, is that negative? Does that call to be insulted beyond measure? From a nephew? I think not.
But I think the saddest part is the lack of respect. I would never, in my wildest dreams, talk to my aunt the way I was spoken to. I would never speak to anyone the way I was spoken to. And yet, it seems so few really care what he said, or how he said it. His friends laugh and call him crazy. Is that what our society has come too? Such a lack of respect for elders, for anyone? When did it become acceptable to use such vulgar language? Do our young adults care for anything? When did respect become a laughing stock? How will these children/adults learn if no one steps up and calls them out, if no one says 'enough is enough and I will not be talked to in such a way; I will not be maltreated!' My God, if this is the new generation, we are in a heap of trouble.
I want to pray for him, but it is so hard. I want an apology, which I know I will never receive. I want to forget that this boy that I have loved for 30 years can simply toss aside such devotion for a few chosen, crass words. How can it be so easy for him...why is he so angry? What happened to change him, to have such little regard for me, and for those he claims to love?
And so...I am heartsick. Filled with so many emotions ~ some scare me, some just make me very, very sad.