Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Jumbled Thoughts

My emotions are high, and they are mixed.  Anger, hurt, dismay, sadness - a deep, deep sadness.  And hurt.

I didn't think I was much bothered by what transpired yesterday, but when I awoke this morning my heart was heavy with such sadness.  This is gonna be a jumble of thoughts because I have so many coursing through my brain right now.

First and foremost, hurt and betrayal of a nephew.  To be called such a vile name in such a vulgar way...words coming from someone I have only loved throughout life.  The sadness is deep, and try as I might to blow it off as rantings of a sad, angry person, it isn't easy.  I remember the sweet boy from long ago, and for so long I have tried to defend his actions/his anger; I have tried to believe there is still that sweet boy buried deep inside...and now?  I don't know, and what's worse, I'm not sure I even care anymore.  Horrible thoughts for an aunt, I know, but words wound deep and leave lasting scars.

And then I wonder is that how I am seen?  Do others see me as such?  Do my other nieces and nephews see me as someone who just meddles in their life; as someone who only has negative things to say?  But isn't the role of an Aunt to guide and help? What if his words are true?  How do I know and how do I change?  I don't consider myself to be negative...With this particular nephew, it's rare that I have anything to say about his life. I am confused.  To disagree with his thoughts about religion, his lack of respect, is that negative?  Am I not allowed to disagree with his choice of words; he has freedom to believe what he chooses, do I not have that same freedom in return?  And because I speak of my beliefs, is that negative?  Does that call to be insulted beyond measure?  From a nephew?  I think not. 

But I think the saddest part is the lack of respect.  I would never, in my wildest dreams, talk to my aunt the way I was spoken to.  I would never speak to anyone the way I was spoken to.  And yet, it seems so few really care what he said, or how he said it.  His friends laugh and call him crazy.  Is that what our society has come too?  Such a lack of respect for elders, for anyone?  When did it become acceptable to use such vulgar language?  Do our young adults care for anything?  When did respect become a laughing stock?  How will these children/adults learn if no one steps up and calls them out, if no one says 'enough is enough and I will not be talked to in such a way; I will not be maltreated!'  My God, if this is the new generation, we are in a heap of trouble.

I want to pray for him, but it is so hard.  I want an apology, which I know I will never receive.  I want to forget that this boy that I have loved for 30 years can simply toss aside such devotion for a few chosen, crass words.  How can it be so easy for him...why is he so angry?  What happened to change him, to have such little regard for me, and for those he claims to love?  

And so...I am heartsick.  Filled with so many emotions ~ some scare me, some just make me very, very sad.

4 comments:

  1. Krissy:
    I don't think you are off-base at all to feel the way you do. I have never known you to be anything but a positive, encouraging person, who only has good intentions in her heart when it comes to others. You (and Terry) have done so much good for my family, have been so generous and selfless, that you should not even doubt for a second that you are a good and positive person. I was utterly sickened by what was written and still can't believe that one member of a family would refer to another in such a way. But I also believe this is a situation wherein you truly have to consider the source ... it's definitely not you. Please don't doubt yourself. You are a good and loving person (aunt), and are truly loved in return.

    John

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  2. Thank you, John. It's amazing to me how words can affect people, even considering the source. I will be fine, and I will choose to believe good things. Thank you for reading my blog.

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  3. It is quite possibly the most hurtful thing that can happen in a family. One member betrays the love and trust one has for the other. The hurt will always be there, but it can be softened by forgiveness and vigilance on our part that we never unwittingly
    do this to another. I am an old man, I have seen many thoughtless young ones, desperate for attention , anxious to be heard and taken seriously, and not understanding the hurt that can be inflicted with words. Would I forgive him? I cannot say. But this is another one of those dreaded "opportunities" that life
    sets up for us. He failed. My best

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  4. Count, thank you for your words of wisdom. Sometimes forgiveness isn't easy, but I don't think it's meant to be. I know my nephew to be a troubled soul and I will always love him...doesn't mean I have to like him, right? I do know that holding onto anger only hurts me...so I release the hurt and forgive - however, forgetting is another matter. Perhaps in time. Thank you for reading my blog.

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