Reality

Reality: Mom is gone. Miss Marplestein is gone. Dulcinea is gone. We have three hearts grieving for our losses in different ways. But more on that in a bit. 

We celebrated Mom's life with a beautiful mass on Friday, 8 October 2021, at St. Augustine's Church in Elkridge, MD. It was the last church Mom attended before the strokes, broken hip, and move to Florida. After the memorial, we had a luncheon provided by the church (with a small donation). The Helping Hands ministry did a marvelous job - handling the setup, the meal prep, and the clean up. Amazing. 

Sunday, 10 October 2021, we laid Mom to rest with Dad. All my siblings were in attendance. A very simple gathering. A tough goodbye to our parents, with the sad realization that we are now orphans; and that this may have been the last time all seven of us are together. I will cherish the photos that were taken that day. 

I spent three and half weeks in Maryland, visiting family, friends, and bonding even more with my sisters. There were tears, hugs, laughter.  It was a good way to breathe, loosen up, and decompress. But all good things must end. 

Terry and I thought the time apart would be a good thing - we had grieved together, now was the time for us to grieve separately, for each of us to freely express our sadness, our tears, our silence without affecting the other.  Truth is, when Mom was put on hospice care in June, my life was put on hold. I was living in a haze, not really functioning or thinking straight. I thought her memorial service/burial would normalize things again. Not so. 

When I got home, reality hit hard. I walked in the door to the joyous leaps and licks of Henley (who has not stopped kissing me every chance he gets!), but I found myself looking for the baby girls, waiting for them to approach and approve of my return home. Reality. I found myself waiting for Mom to wake up, to share our morning coffee and chat. Taking my walks without her feels different, lonely; same with singing the songs she loved. When evening falls, I find myself wanting to call Mom to say goodnight. I cannot. Reality. Dancing With the Stars just does not hold the same interest to me - that was our show. We would call and discuss the dances and I would listen to her complain about the scanitly clad dancers. Reality sucks. 

I mentioned there are three hearts grieving - Terry, Henley, and myself. Henley doesn't let me out of his sight, follows me everywhere I go. Terry internalizes his grief and doesn't say much; he gets very quiet. He is depressed. And I voice my grief with talk and tears. We know this is a tough time. We know we are different. We know we must be gentle with each other, and accept our differences. We accept that we will come through this via disparate paths. And that's okay. 

Reality. There is no denying the past six months have been difficult. There is no denying that I have zero concept what the future holds, or where this journey will take me/us. Life goes on. I have the love and support of a beautiful soul to traverse this new phase. We are excited to see what lies on the horizon. We have shared 25 years together and look forward to the future with hope. That is reality.