Ramblings of an Old, Romantic Soul

After much deliberation and soul searching, my father has decided to stop his dialysis treatments.  He started hospice care Wednesday evening (12/29/10), at home.  He is home, where he has longed to be for seven long, torturous weeks.  He is home with the love of his life.  He is home, surrounded by his family, surrounded by love. It is all too surreal.  My mind knows he is home to die, and it won't be long.  But my heart looks at him, sees him and thinks 'he's just sick, he'll get better'.  This time, there is no better - only when he leaves this life to join his Mom and Dad, his Grammy, in eternal life. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life forever?  How do you say goodbye to the one person you trust beyond all measure, the one person who makes you feel so special and loved?  How do you say goodbye to such a holy, spiritual man who was a devoted husband for 59 years; and a dedicated and loving father?  ...

So, I'm sitting here in my parent's condo.  It's Christmas morning, but a strange Christmas morning as my Dad is not here, nor is my husband.  This Christmas will be quite different.  I feel a bit of sadness, perhaps melancholy, thinking about past Christmases. I remember going to midnight mass; the excitement of it all.  We would take a nap, then get up and get dressed - our Christmas best - and head off to church.  The church was so beautiful and peaceful.  And in our hearts was love and excitement, knowing we would soon be going home to a Christmas buffet and the opening of one present.  Ah, the excitement of waking up Christmas morning, running downstairs to see the presents; the anticipation of what was to come.  My parents didn't have tons of money, but always managed to provide wonderful gifts.  As children though, we didn't always appreciate their efforts.  There was always one child that was gloomy because we didn't get enou...

So, it's a rainy morning.  Get out of bed, have coffee, get on the computer, light the tree and enjoy the quiet morning hour, rain gently falling outside.  A peaceful kind of quiet. Ah.  Then, something changes.  A word spoken out of turn?  Some small act of annoyance?  Who knows.  But the mood changes and it's not so peaceful anymore, but a strained silence.  What happened?  The tree is still it, the rain is still falling gently outside, and so are my tears.

This Christmas Terry and I will be staying home.  We decided to do a bit more decorating this year since we'll be here to enjoy it the whole season.  We want an outdoor nativity scene.  But can we find one?  We've been to Walmart, K-Mart, Family Dollar, Beall's, Lowe's...just about every place we can think of to look.  We have found Santa, reindeer, penguins; we have found all kinds of inflatable decorations, but no outdoor nativity scenes.  We have looked on-line, and have found some that cost an arm and leg.  And yes, Lowe's did have one, a bit more expensive than we wanted to spend.  I just find it odd that there are plenty of commercialized items to be found, be very few that speak to the true meaning of Christmas ~ the birth of our Christ. So, Terry is going to do what he does best and improvise.  He has his mother's heart and talent and is quite the artist ~ and he has a vision.  Somehow we will have our outdoor nativity scene....

And so, tomorrow my husband and I will be heading home.  It's been a long time away for both of us and we are eager to get back home, to our home.  I miss my babies.  Yet leaving family and friends is hard, and the heart strings are pulling... This has been another wild, emotional ride...will there ever be a time we visit when hospitals and sick people aren't involved?  We came up in June for our nephew's wedding and ended up spending most of the time at a hospital, his brother fighting for his life.  This time, there has been sickness, surgeries, accidents, hospital visits - on both sides of the family.  My Dad is still in the hospital and leaving him is rather hard.  Leaving my Mom, alone in her condo, is hard.  Part of me wants to stay longer to ensure Dad is okay; to keep Mom company so she's not alone, but I know both will be well cared for by my siblings.  Even so, the heart strings pull. I wasn't planning to be up here for three an...

The lyrics to this song are quite powerful.  Christina Perri sings the song, and most likely it is written for a romantic/love relationship.  And yet my niece said it rather reminds her of her Dad.  How sad is it, that a daughter would feel these words, emotions, towards her father...I listened to the song and ended up in tears.   And I wonder if he has any clue what he has lost?  The great love he threw away from two of the most precious gifts he ever possessed.  No, a man with 'ice in his soul' wouldn't realize such a thing because he thinks only of himself, loves only himself.  Thing is, my nieces are not his ghosts anymore, they are alive and thriving and moving on, despite the hurt and betrayal, despite his lies.  Thankfully, they 'have grown too strong to ever fall back into his arms'.  Who does he think he is?   My thought was to write a Thanksgiving piece (since today is the day for giving thanks) and to write about t...

'Do you see it?  Where did it go?' I don't see it, but they know it's there! I think Dulcinea was getting bored Many of you know that I have two precious babies:  Miss Marplestein and Dulcinea.  Yes, they are cats, but they are very precious to me.  They show me love, and attitude, all the time! Last night, I saw Miss Marplestein reaching under the CD tower.  She looked at me with a dust bunny hanging off her whiskers, so I knew she was after something.  I looked and saw nothing.  Next thing I know, her sister, Dulcinea, is joining her in the search.  They were trying to get behind the tower, under the tower, behind the bookcase...this went on for some time.  Then they stopped and posted watch.  They sat in front of the tower for hours.  Literally.  They didn't move.  Eventually I went into the bedroom.  I came out to check on them, to tell them that I didn't think anything was there, or if it was, it wa...