And Yet...

Depression is deceptive. Grief is sneaky. Together they are lethal, cunning, and insidious. And somedays I feel them grasping, pulling me deeper and deeper into the mire. It is scary. 

This is truth. It does not mean that I do not have faith. I do. And I pray every day. Every day I see God's beauty. I thank Him for His grace and mercy - thankful for the blessings in my life.  And yet. 

The other day I was mowing the lawn, something I enjoy doing. While resting, I happened to look over to the garden where Miss Marplestein and Dulcinea are buried - the hammer hit with the knowledge, again, they are not with us; that they died so close together and so near Mom's death. I am convinced that grief (for Mom and her sister), was a huge part in Miss M's death. These thoughts hit so unexpectedly. What do you do? Thoughts of my brother, still languishing in a hospital bed for three months, are never far away. Will he pull through? Is this his time - is God calling him home? Why can't the doctors figure out what's wrong with him?  I am grateful I was able to see him face to face, to hold his hand, to tell him I love him. Very hard to put these thoughts aside. What do you do?

I love walking Henley. I love silence. I love music.  And yet, sometimes the silence is so loud with my reflections and memories. I put the music on to distract. So many songs bring back moments ~ reminders of good times, sad times, people I love, people I've lost, people who have disappeared from my life.  Whether silence or music, I cannot stop the mind from wandering, and the tears fall so easily. Yet, my mind sometimes suddenly stops. Yes, in the middle of a thought - poof! Whatever I was thinking, whatever I was going to do disappears and I'm left pondering 'what was I thinking? what was I going to do?'  This is unfamiliar territory for me. 

It is so easy to put on a smiling face, to outwardly laugh while crying within. It's so easy to say "I'm fine" because who wants to hear, again, "I'm sad. I can't shake this"?  I am not the only person in my family who has suffered loss, who is grieving.  Common sense screams to reach out, and yet, it is far easier to stay quiet and be alone. 

As I'm writing, I feel the cool breeze and hear the gentle chimes. Both are calming. My husband has been patient. He is suffering very much the same as I. We are patient with each other. We give ourselves space, and grace. And we talk openly about what/how we're feeling, or not feeling. Thank God for him. He is one who knows me, knows my crazy thoughts. And loves me. 

The past year was crazy. Many ups, and way too many downs. I was hoping 2022 would be better. And yet...